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. 10 years of drunken horror

STELLA SELECT XI – I o W Tour 2008

A tale of failed Satellite Navigation and Interior Design

from our correspondent Jonty Mac

How can it happen, is there no learning process? After 9 previous tours which affected the bank balances, health and sanity of the Stellas it was decided to celebrate our 10th Tour by visiting the Isle of Wight. It is doubtful that since the days of Queen Victoria visiting the Island in the 19th Century had the I o W been visited by such an august party. Oh and remember Stumpy used to live on the Island so we had a local tour guide.

FRIDAY: On to the start of the 10 Years of Drunken Horror Tour. The Stellas assembled in the usual place, Hampset CC car park. Jonty disturbed the Tour shirts they were a distinguished black with gold lettering with all the tour names on the back. A stylish design it was agreed and there was rumours that even the sorely missed Ed was happy with the size. We had another late call off as unfortunately Mrs Jabbs was unwell and she took the grave risk of getting the might Jabba to look after her. Thankfully she is feeling better.

Tour party

THE TOURISTS (Not to be confused of the 80s group of the same name)

Tour t-shirt

THE LITANY OF PREVIOUS YEARS SHAME  (We may not be welcome in these parts again)

Not all tourists could be bothered to turn up the club by 07:30 so those stalwarts that did had to go out of there way to pick up Basha, LTB, LLLL & Gez (or is it Bambi) at the tall one’s house what was occurring there is anyone’s guess and its reporting might be better suited to an organ of the Pink Press.

Lazy buggers picked up it was off to Matty’s bar for brekkie. Sir Stumpy of Corsham (ex of the Isle of Wight) distributed tour virgin badges to LTB & Neil and surprisingly Gez (or is it Bambi) . Surprisingly as he went on the Brumfest Tour last year. Apparently as it was the Cricketless Cricket tour he did not break his cherry (thought he got married last year oh well).

There were a few technical innovations for this year’s tour Copey had a smashing new looking digital SLR camera and Jonty had a FLIP TM camcorder which was used to film Basha folding his clothes in the café. Bellies full (and that is a frightening thought when you consider the size of some of the Stall’s bellies) the trip to the Island began in earnest, well not so quickly as the party had to wait for Basha to see a friend of to the coast – he must have been a big friend as the trip was delayed for a while.

Soon the saltiness of the brekkie got to some Stella’s and they became thirsty. Gez (or is it Bambi) was forced to crack open a can of cider at 08:30. It must be said he was swiftly followed by other members of the party and cans of Guinness and bottles of cider an lager were soon consumed. Surprisingly Jonty was not one of those involved in this alcohol abuse he preferred soda water instead (Post tour note; although the other Stellas were concerned at this shocking event the Pictish one restored the natural order of things by boozing almost constantly from the Friday afternoon onwards – including texting his fellow tourists that he was a bit psissed in the Hobgoblin on the Monday PM).

Kissi, after a taste of cider, soon reached fever pitch. His main target of frivolity was Basha. After some light hearted banter Bash decided to defy the Laws of Physics be flying from the front seat to the back, where Kissi was,  to administer some rough justice on the Mouthy One. Basher, LLLL & Jonty were caught in the crossfire but didn’t mind as it was Kissi who was getting the beating.

Unsurprisingly Kissi did not heed Basha’s warning and proceeded with his gentle ribbing of the Bish. This resulted in two further acts of chastisement from Bash, one biting Kissi’s finger and more successfully smacking him on the head with a bottle. This act calmed Kissi down for all of 5 minutes.

The Tour CD was played, well done Ed. However some of the younger element did not get Ed’s subtlety in choosing the tracks (Although the Dead Kennedy’s Too Drunk to F***) cam close to haunting a Tour member – actually to drunk to chat up is nearer the mark!!).

Eventually the Ferry Terminal in Southampton was reached. Whilst Stumpy & Jonty were exercising their superb negotiating skills by getting absolutely no rebate for the two missing tourists the lads played SOCCER & American football in…………… the car park for the ferry queue. The showed fine agility dodging the cars & caravans, apart that is from Kissi who got the pigskin whacking into his foreskin area much to the amusement of the rest of the squad. Smiffy rose above this childish behaviour by sitting in the van doing his Times Crossword.


Don’t know if Baller was a help or a hindrance though. The time came to board the ferry. It was a tad windy which ruined Gez’s (or is it Bambi) hairline. The two proper tour virgins were quiet at this time – no worries as they would both have their moments. Landed on the island and the trip to Shanklin was uneventful and the hotel was found with relative ease.

After leaving all the luggage in the hotel, our rooms weren’t ready, the beech was invaded. More SOCCER and American Football was attempted. Kissi went for an unplanned swim assisted by LTB and Stumpy. The rest of the afternoon passed of peacefully. Lunch and a few beers were taken, Jonty had his first pint of the tour.

17:00 hours and the Stellas boarded the bus for the game against Carrisbrooke Old Boys. Stumpy who kept banging on how he used to live on the island confidently took over SAT NAV duties aided by Smiffy who was confident about finding the ground as it would have a big red circle round it – as it did on Eddie’s map.  

Thanks to SNS – Sat Nav Stumpy we got lost and arrived at the ground late. Only to find some sort of Yoof game being played. Apparently it was a final and medals were warded to the victors. This confused some Stella as they are not used to the idea of being rewarded for playing Cricket , rather their aim is to finish a game with some dignity – some hope!!.

The sun went in and the clouds came out, this was to prove a tradition on this tour. Once The Stellas went to play cricket, leaving the hotel in glorious sunshine, the weather would turn foul when the grounds were eventually reached. Gez (I can’t be bothered with the Bambi bit now OK), as skipper, introduced himself to the opposition. He was a bit shocked when he was asked if he was Gerald, The name Gerald was not known to most of the Stellas outside Eddie’s inner sanctum, however most of them consider the name Gez to be slightly less embarrassing. The reason for Gez’s notoriety when the existence of some wanted posters became known. Everyone considered placing one of the posters on a dog poo bin to be most appropriate.  For the game details see the Match Report.

After the game the pig was hungry and a promise of a fine meal at the bargemen’s rest was anticipated. Gez it had to be said was very abrasive towards Jonty in the clubhouse. All Jonty was doing was his KOTW impression (several times by the way).  Thanks to Carrisbrooke for a good game played in the right spirit and the hospitality was much appreciated.

Post Tour note: Eddie has received an email from Carrisbrooke saying how much the enjoyed the game and more importantly the banter in the bar afterwards. They have foolishly said they would like a return game next year.

Sat Nav Stumps then got directions to the Bargeman’s Rest at the bar, although he hardly needed them as he was an IoW ex pat. Interesting point some of the Islanders appear to think that dual carriageways are in fact motorways – no one mentioned inbreeding at this point.

After a fruitless search for the pub (remember SNS used to live on the Island and knows it like the back of his hand) the slight pissed and very hungry Stellas eventually found a Chinese Restaurant/Pub. Hunger satisfied more drink taken the party returned to base for some more shandies and beds were found, eventually.

SATURDAY: Brekkie was taken and the hangovers did not seem to bad. The weather was set fine so a stroll along the beech was in order. The party trekked to a pitch and put course and teed off in groups of three. Highlights of this pale imitation of the great game include LTB, an 18 handicapper, giving golf lessons to Stumpy then proceeding to hit chip shots along the ground. Kissing proved his accuracy when trying to hit Gez, Jonty or Basha he whacked Neil on the thigh from about 5 meters much to the amusement of Basha. Who won – who cares but it proved a good tour bonding session. A stroll back along the front was interrupted by fine fish suppers for lunch.

Left for the game at 13:00 with SNS in command of directions (yup he stayed on the island for years you know) So after ending up in a housing estate and going to the wrong ground we ended up at the sumptuous pitch and pavilion that is Seaclose Park. The teachers were a fine lot  and did not mind getting the lovely Karen, their tour totty and wifey of Alan their skipper, well lubricated. She had to get tipsy to ease the pain of Basha’s attempts at flirtation and the er fiddling of his nether regions by a certain Pict.

After the game it was suggested both teams went for a pint, the venue ……… the Bargeman’s rest. After some directions SNS was confident of finding the boozer. So after two trips round an industrial estate and was decided due to the pubs name we search for it near a canal. Stumpy foolishly admitted he had been to the pub before – the pig was waiting. Pints were had and the pig was ravenous tenner fines for all (£14 for Kissi) and the teachers were granted the sight of the Stellas in full flow. They appeared to enjoy it but their laughter could be considered to be of the nervous kind. On leaving Karen gave all the Stellas a kiss and a cuddle which the nearest most of them had come to sex this millennium. Another round was bought and Jonty proved his natural poise and grace by falling off his chair.

Back to the hotel for a wash and a change and a couple of bevies then the party set off to find a steakhouse, fortunately after our previous directional disasters it was only round the corner.

Lots of red meat and red wine was consumed. The party left the steakhouse and split into two. The children, LLLL Kissi Neil, went to a club. Whilst the more mature ones found a pub. In the club the only single one got too pissed to chat up the girlies that Neil had been grooming for him.

The Old Gits then went back to the hotel and a lot more alcohol was consumed than the previous evening. The undoubted highlight of the evening, if not the tour happened. It was the decision by LTB & Gez to redecorate the kiddie’s room. They were aided by Stumpy who is now known as Andrex. The result was filmed by Jonty and a video clip may appear on the website – only Smiffy can tell.

Boys' room

More drink was taken and LTB took advantage of some over served Stellas by taking their pictures in a tired state.


The kiddies returned and did not appear to be impressed with their redecorated room. They sought revenge. Unfortunately they treid to enter the wrong room and they nearly violated some sleeping elderly ladies – again just as well Ledge wasn’t there as there could have been a Crimewatch incident.

The madness did not end there. The Horse decided that he wanted a good nights kip away fro Jonty’s snoring and lamp abuse, decided after 8 large JDs to have an angina attack and sodded off to the local hospital for the night

SUNDAY: The drinking expoits of the previous night took its toll. Baller decided that drinking almost a half bottle of scotch was not the best preparation for a game of cricket. Some of the others were suffering to.

In the morning the party split into three Copey & Stumpy went to check up on the Horse. Baller and Jonty went for a leisurely stroll on the beech to cure there hangovers. The rest played crazy golf on the pier, where LTB whacked Kissi with a ball – good lad.

The severely depleted squad set off for the final game of the tour. Basha’s ankle had swollen to a size bigger than another part of his anatomy (was he thinking of the lovely Karen??) gets and the Horse was still skiving in hospital.

The opposition was to be met in a pub by Osborne House as their ground was difficult to find. With the recent directional track record this was decided to be a good idea. So off we went to the Prince of Wales with SNS in command (when will we ever learn, has mention been made that Stumpy lived th island for decades!!!!!!!!!!!!!) we found the pub with more luck than judgement – well done Copey.

Lunch was ordered and drink was taken. The spectator event was Neil & Gez giving Kissi & LLLL a good humping at boules. It was though that giving Kissi & LLLL what amounted to small metal cannon balls was an accident waiting to happen. However the only damage done was to their egos.

We got to the ground got humped nearly banjoed the umpire – naughty LTB, added to the injury list – well done Jonty Heid the Ba. Changed and went back to the Prince of Wales.

It was good to see KOTW at the match, he did unfortunately live up to his name on a couple of occasions The Horse turned up thanks to KOTW (Cheers mate) and was suitably abused for wimping out of the game.

After a couple of pints at the Prince of Wells the ferry terminal was found and so was a pub for a swift one. The pub was reminiscent of the pub in the movie “Werewolves of London”. It was colourful to say the least.

Ferry boarded drink taken; Kissi ceremoniously booted the tour footy into the Solent. Trip home very quiet , LTB hungry & Jonty drinking.

What of the tour? Was it the best ever – possibly, the historians will decide. Did Graham enjoy it? He said the good bits were very good and he nearly completed the Times Crossword.

The juggernaught that is the Stella Tour rolls in. IoW 2009 anyone????

Yours J “Irving Welsh” Mac

Author’s Note. I was chuffed to be in the company of such fine geezers – roll on next year.