2006
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. The Jam Butty Tour

This was the first tour to the Isle of Wight, although something went wrong along the way.

2003 shirt

I had some help with this tour. John Gordon described it in the following terms:

(PROLOGUE: In which Baller, the voice of reason, introduces his friend):

He is NOT the only Doctor on this team - but he IS my best friend, on this team.  It is my diminutive privilege to present to you: your good friend, my good friend – the ultimate lady boy: Dr. Michael Burgess

78 Little Horses

6 Rooms

4 L`s

3 Days

3 Brothers

2 Cricket Matches

1 Tour Bus

1 Biscuit Monitor

1 Pink Pig

1 Jonty Mac (it`s not a proper Stella tour without J-Mac!

1 Pair of underpants

1 Lady Boy with legs wide open for 3 Days

1 Absolute Munter

1 Jam Butty

O sausages

O dead umpires

O Bovril

???? Bottles of Stella

The above is NOT Nick Woodburningstove`s shopping list for Easter weekend.  The above represents a small portion of the ingredients that made Brum 2006 a qualified success.

BAREFOOT CRICKET

The tour could not have started better!  Arriving at GRAHAM SMITH`S CRICKET CLUB with Skippy of Nazareth, my face turned a scarlet shade of purple as I joyously beheld my FAVOURITE brother: Sir Richard Cope playing barefoot cricket.  Ignoring Baller, I received my Neo-Dutch Hari-Krishna tour shirt and slipped it on.  I was delighted with the way it fitted my svelte, dainty torso – emphasising my moderate curves and not making my bum look too big.  Regrettably, my best friend Baller could not wear his tour shirt with similar success.

Eventually Dr. Smith junior arrived with his trusted man-servant Ricci Ganesh and it was all-aboard and tally-ho, and away we went to the land of Aston Villa .

Driving at speeds that often exceeded 15 mph, Dr. Smith ignored the pain in his flame ravaged digits and was a complete and utter warrior all weekend.  For a fuller explanation, here is the testimony of tour captain: Robbie H. LLLL.

“My mate Chrissie the Biccy told me that Smiffy drove like a jar of Bovril – he was all solid and bed-timey…”

WELCOME TO BIRMINGHAM , MR. SMITH

by GSCC travel correspondent & Poet Laureate: Sir Richard Cope

Brummie, I discovered; is like England in the sixties

lush and green with goodly trees for all the little birdies

A friendly, lively town - with routes to drive a driver mad

and all the girls on Broad Street have a price tag

Old Orleans ` got crayons, to help you plot your strategy

4 L commits Beer Crimes, and Jefflon is a Jam Butty

What is Jam Butty?  I had to check it out

It`s girly slang for a used sanitary towell

MY FIRST TIME IN BIRMINGHAM

By Alex Smith

Don`t tell my dad, but me and my man-servant only came on your stupid cricket tour to get drunk, laid and wasted – in that order.  All of our attempts to do so were thwarted, mainly because that idiot man-servant of mine forgot to bring our fake id`s. 

WHEN MY BEST FRIEND ASKED FOR MY OPINION

By GSCC`s voice of reason: The Baller

I can still see the tears rolling down his smooth alabaster checks, when Dr. Michael Music Burgess was informed that he wasn`t allowed to share a room with me.  Later, when we were drinking Birmingham dry, Mike took me to one side and said:

“Baller, do you think I should be a girl?”

What am I supposed to say to him?  Do I say: Sure Mike – go for it!  It`s really you!  Or do I say: Mike, don`t be a twat?  But I am THE BALLER and I am the voice of reason – and the conscience of this cricket team – so I did the only thing that a best friend would do.  I gave him his mobile phone and told him to go ahead and call someone who gave a ****. 

BIRMINGHAM , SATURDAY MORNING

With nothing more on my mind than spending 3 hours in a shower, I made my way – in a manly and virile manner – to the mini-bus.  Today we were going to play cricket NEAR Edgbaston!  Skippy of Nazareth explained to me that he had received preferential treatment from Dr. Smith that morning, inasmuch as he had been shown the pre-Raphaelite splendour of Birmingham .  Everyone else had gone on the Ferris Wheel.

Arriving NEAR Edgbaston, we met Smiffy`s brothers and played cricket with them.  We looked ******* awesome in our neo-Dutch Hari Krishna tour shirts (by kind courtesy of J-Mac!) and came undone by 12 runs.  Jefflon took the first wickets of the tour and Biscuit Monitor bowled like a demon, but the real standouts were my brother, Copey, and my best buddy: THE BALLER.  These guys can throw like mother*******!  They effected FOUR run outs between them!  Their throwing was so good, that many people of Birmingham came to watch us play – just to see my brother and my best buddy throw!

With the exception of Benny and Tourrets, and Ricci 6 – our batting was nothing to write home about, although Ricci 6 DID incur the wraith of J-Mac for allegedly telling the Stella veteran: “This is how a real man bats, you old Scottish git.”  It was a game we should have won, and I accept complete responsibility for the loss.  If I had been able to keep my legs together – which I can`t! – their score would not have been padded by 41 byes.  4xL must also accept responsibility.  Not only as captain, but his number of wide balls almost exceeded his number of beer crimes.

Then the game was over and THE EVER VIGILANT PIG was in session – then Dr. Smith gave us all a surprise!

LOOK AT ALL THE LITTLE WEE HORSES

By GSCC racing correspondent: Eddie Hitler

On Saturday night after the cricket match, Smiffy took us dogging.  He had managed – somehow – to get us grandstand restaurant tables right near the winning post.  I sat with J-Mac, Jefflon and Biccy Monitor.  The Doctors sat together with little little `uns, and The Baller held court with my son Robbie, Sir Richard Cope and Skippy of Nazareth.  Each table made wee bets on the wee little horses, and I must modestly admit that my table was the best. 

The mighty nations of Dr. Burgess and The Baller had something of a falling out and spent the evening bickering.  Skippy of Nazareth tried desperately to make peace between them.  Sir Richard Cope was oblivious to his brother`s bickering, and was more interested in the pork dinner. 

(Postscript to the pork dinner – Whilst driving back to the hotel, J-Mac successfully asphyxiated everybody with his bodily gases)

(Postscript to the state of bickering between the nations of Baller and Burgess – during warm up`s to the Sunday game, Skippy of Nazareth continued with his attempts to broker peace between these two mighty nations by distributing the FEATHERS OF PEACE)

(Postscript to the gifts of THE FEATHERS OF PEACE – The mighty nations of Baller and Burgess duly discarded the brokered feathers, each declaring war and hatred upon the other.  Sir Richard Cope – as per the night before – was completely uninterested)

STEP ON THE ******* GAS

By GSCC Men & Motors correspondent – The Biscuit Monitor

After Smiffy got overtaken by that piece of ******* **** Sheldon for the second time – I`d ******* had enough.  The final straw came when that toss pot chauffeur managed to stall the in ******* car park.  Makes Robbie Lobster look like a ******* rocket scientist.

I`M EASY - LIKE A SUNDAY MORNING

By GSCC gas, breakfast and beer guru Jonty Mac - Clubman of the Century!

Och aye, Jimmy.  Nowt unusual about a sassenach nance like Jefflon being called a Jam Butty by a hideous Brummie bint.  Had a good fart on Saturday and woke up on Sunday feelin` great!  Joined the lads at the local Tesco`s for breakfast.  Burgess wasn`t there – he was too busy showering and thinking about brazier sizes.  Bought some newspapers.  Mind you, we could have written, printed and published the ******* newspapers ourselves in the time we waited for those two “18” year old lads: Alexander the Great and his faithful manservant Christina Ricci.  Once we got going, it was okay – everything`s okay when you got  J-Mac riding shotgun - and following the painstakingly detailed map that Alex had done, we found our way to the next cricket match.

Now, J-Mac might have been out first ball – but J-Mac was NOT involved in SAME GENDER cricket (like Burgess was).  Also, the other side had a fielder who was even more Jonty Mac than me!

A BRIEF MENTION OF SAME GENDER CRICKET

By Dr. G. Smith

When Burgess was bowled out by a girl on tour, it was almost same gender cricket.

I AM A CRICKET GOD

By Jeff Bishop

It`s just too easy.  I AM the best player on this team.  Bobby Depp who?  Stan who?  Nigel Higgins who?  Nigel Brinkmatt who?  HP who?  Erik the horse who?  Tim`s Parrot who?  Tony Pandy who?  Zoe Higgins who?  I can bat and I can bowl, and I can write match reports.  I`ve got more natural gas than Kev Porter and J-Mac put together and when it comes to Jam Butty`s – I`m the real deal!  So just give me Jabba trophy cos it`s mine! 

Jabba who?

END OF TOUR SPEECH

By tour captain Lobster Boy

We all had a nice tour.  Don`t tell me mum that we didn`t go in any strip joints, cos she probably won`t believe you.  I got turned into a lobster, and me roomie got turned into a biscuit monitor.  Jefflon got turned into a Jam Butty and Dr. Smith got turned into a late night party animal.  There`s a rumour what me dad Eddie told me that says: Dr. Smith got his hands burned by trying to light Jonty`s farts.  Bet he won`t try that again.  Please don`t tell me mum that I didn`t get laid, cos she won`t believe you.  She`ll have me down the free clinic so fast, the man will be putting the swab in me privates in less time than it takes for Smiffy`s brother to set his field.  We all had a nice tour, but don`t tell me mum that.  She`ll think you`re making it up, and then me dad - Eddie – won`t get any nookie for a week, and he`ll have to shack up with Jabba again.  And me dad won`t like that cos Jabba don`t have a cricket club no more – but me dad can`t shack up with Smiffy cos Smiffy`s a good boy and don`t do that sort of thing.  Not like me dad does.  Dad, if you`re reading this (or having it read to you) don`t tell me mum, okay.  Also dad, you can tell the Aston Villa cloth-hand man that I don`t like being tour captain – but don`t tell me mum.

TOUR ACKNOWLEDGMENTS & FINAL BENDICTIONS

By GSCC main man, Dr. G Smith

The spark, the germ – the raw initial impetus, for this tour comes directly from my Middle Earth heritage.  When I was a lad, I went to school with Jeff Lynne, Jasper Carrot and the Goombay Dance Band – without who`s inspiration, this tour might never have happened. 

In some ways, the Stella Brum 2006 tour (The Jam Butty Tour?) has set a new benchmark for all future Stella tours to live up to.  And thus, with thanks to the greatest of all songwriters: Sir Paul McCartney, John Lennon, Dame Elton John and Sir Richard Cope - here is my summing up of everything:

Smiffy`s good to us you know, he drives the tour bus you know

He said so

Ricky couldn`t find the bus and he got fined

Lobster Boy has four L`s you know, does crime `gainst beer as well, you know

We know so

Burgess is a lady and he gets fined

I`M SO GLAD – THAT WE WENT ON TOUR

WE`RE SO GLAD – WE`RE GONNA TOUR SOME MORE

            Cause Jonty keeps it smutty, and we take our own Jam Butty

In Brummie

Burgess got bowled by a girl and he got fined

*

Hey kids, shake it loose together

even in Brummy there`ll be change in the weather

We`ll go to the dogs tonight so stick around

You`re gonna see wee little horsies running around

Say Candy and Ron White have you seen them yet

Oh but they`re so spaced ou

BBBBBennie and Touretts

Oh but they`re fast & they`re furious, You know he bowled a girl out too

Shorts with writing on, fluent in the Scottish tongue – Can bitch cos he`s better than you

BBBBBennie and Touretts

Monitors cookies like a pro

Is well versed in the highway code

Went north a boy, came back a man

Why Baller and Burgess bicker – he don`t understand