2004
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. The No Nonsense Tour

The journey – well Beer really. Then beer, relieving stop before Chilcompton!! Beer ,Slash beer, slash, beer, Didn’t we have somewhere to get to? Singing Delilah when the Great White Brothers Ghetto blaster could be bothered to play it. Swifty scaring girl passengers in sports cars by mooning. Beer the first Kissifur rant of the weekend (but certainly not the last!) The Beginning of a hazy to recollect night for Jonty Mac –hows the bump on the head Col? But more of that later. Thank you mr Smith for Demonstrating the wonders of how explosive gas in beer can be when the bottle is tapped to Mr Teflon Swift, and how fragile glass really is when Swifty tries to ‘tap’ the top of the bottle. How Furry the driver par excellence coped I know not.

72 (!!!!!)bottles of beer later……..

The Hotel, very acceptable, though no triple rooms for a brothers Den, though this is probably for the best as it would have sounded like the beginning of world war three with the snoring, and the floor probably couldn’t have taken the weight……..

Lots of Opportunities to emulate mirror extraction, but unfortunately all protected by CCTV, Maybe we should have told them the Horse wasn’t touring ?

And ledge’s eyes light up when he discovers a nursing home next door………………………

Th Fisrt night Chatty barmaids, karaoke, with less than Legendary , er , singing. A mob went up to sing you guessed it, Delilah and We are the Champions, well we hadn’t played yet. Lots of pool played, Ledge takes the Bouncers on, Stellas side with the bouncer.

And Jonty Mac wakes up in the shower in the morning…………..

2004 shirt

Saturday

Wet Start, and its raining outside also. Breakfast for those who can make it. Ledge in a yellow turban Our very own turbanator, or something. Some turn up just to avoid half a fine, for which Joz gets into his stride. Stellas commandeer the bandstand in the rain making some down and outs homeless, no-one can tell any difference. Difficulty in working out whether gates are shut, chairs chained down, and who is going to hurl or follow through first. Possible location for Jabba trophy spotted.

Many hoping game will be called off. It isn’t. Stellas drive to Porlock without thankfully having to negotiate the infamous Porlock Hill. Nice ground, Porlock an OK team. Stellas bat first, well I say Bat….. First cricketing moment (well I say Cricketing) of the tour is a Golden Duck for Our very own Brummie Intellectual, cue much philosophising and sulking “ I don’t know why I bother going on tour, I don’t like drinking, can’t play cricket….” Mumbles into the distance. Kissifur not in team, constant ranting and very loud coaching with hindsight from the boundary.

Saturday V Porlock, and the piggy bank joke was made....

Despite a modicum of resistance of a few players,notably Jabba and Mr Hitler, its business as usual as we get thumped. No-one gets the chance to drop a catch off Jabba as none of us are 20 ft tall, but he is strangely allowed to keep bowling…

Impromptu prize giving, not sure why

The Night is more restrained ;A curry which Basha sniffs all the way through, lots of pool, Graham goes to bed early, Stumpy gets all dolled out for a big night on the town but falls asleep and doesn’t get up until he’s woken up at 2 am by the Great Whites Pneumatic drill Impersonation, and yes it was sore in the morning……. But at least there was deliverance.

Barman notes stellas sit and drink in two groups ledge in one, everybody else in the other…..

Ledge Still couldn’t get his end away, and lobster couldn’t take his drink, or at least keep it down for any length of time

Find out it’s more lively at the hairy arse, er, dog, but too late..

All through the Night could be heard the faint ghostly sound of Duelling Banjos……………………..

Sunday

More people at breakfast, who, leave very quickly when a flag waving formula one enthusiast appears. Joz goes to have a photo taken next to the train, or was it under it?

Jabba Trophy, very pleasant game of putting, First group fight to take first shot on every hole before Joz gets in place to tell you its left to right and to do a banana shot. Rongo cheats his way to trophy. Cheats in the form of being able to play properly.

The Game :Roadwater (sponsored by immodium)

Even nicer ground – Kissifur asks why there is a ditch around the playing area, Smiffy quite sensibly points out it’s an opportunity….

Stellas trembling at the thought of facing AC/DC a very serious cricketer, . Porlock warned us about this very nice bloke who manages the Heavy metal band Budgie (who Stumpy being a sad hippy has seen and who wait fro it….. is a brummie. Oh my God, two of em on the same pitch……

Roadwater bat first. Told to be gentle. Good Stellas bowling performance apart from Stumpy who bowls like Swifty in real life but gets an undeserved wicket, Jabba who bowls very well, gets the usual dropped catch which makes him happy, and gets taken off early, cue much mumbling about the vagaries of cricket (especially in the Stellas. Kissifur doesn’t find much to rant about yet.

Smiffy bowls well, and makes impromptu and unsuspected brummie bowling instructional video to go with the very short Brummie Batting video from the Day before. (see J Mac for details) Swifty forms Teflon club which has a large numbers joining immediately.

Stellas bat next. Smiffy refuses to face first ball. Copey out first ,Stumpy in next, gets nosebleed batting this high. Told to be anchor of the innings. At least that’s what he though rest of team said. Amazes everyone with his fluid graceful batting reminiscent of Swifty in his dreams. Produces heroic marathon 25 over innings which almost but tragically not quite brings Stellas to the point of an impossible victory. Everyone gets the stumpy shot selection talk and the fact that he can’t run more than one at a time. He is unbelievable; a paragon of determination against adversity, the battle of the human spirit against the dark forces of people who can really play cricket and not just pretend. He is unable to walk for 2 days afterwards, and breaks 2 fingernails. So serves him right. All clip in with the bat but it is not to be, even if Swifty ran out of partners and remained unbeaten in the end despite the Stellas encouraging Roadwater to get him out. But Stellas prove they can be competitive, and a warm glow envelops the team, or is that just because Copey’s farted again. And what’s that dripping down his leg……….

The Journey home

Quiet, subdued, presumably all in awe of Stumpy. Kissifur rants every 10 minutes. Gardening, Vauxhall Novas, cricket, football, the other Stellas. Swifty waits to pounce. Kissifur forgets he tells Swifty about his short term memory defect. We get the joke about the dyslexic pimp 5 times!!

Stellas try to drink in club but by then they are broken men. Bed and cocoa by 10 pm. Vowing never to do it again.

But we know (or is tha wonk?) that they’ll have forgotten by Christmas don’t we…………………?